On a recent visit to Maryland to see my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter (roughly 5+ as of this writing), I was asked to assemble a height adjustable Gymnastics Training Bar for the use of my granddaughter.

Let me preface what I’m about to tell you with two things.  One is that I love both of my grandchildren, and in fact would rather spend time with them than almost anything else I can think of.  The other is that as a father and a grandfather, I’ve assembled a lot of things in my lifetime, and I’ve learned a lot by doing so.

The first thing to do in any assembly project is to look at the assembly instructions.

After glancing at the assembly instructions, the next thing to do is to search for online assembly videos to give you a feel for the work you’re about to undertake.  I found one on YouTube featuring a 10- or 11-year-old gymnast explaining to me how to assemble the gym bar.

Now someone my age may object to being instructed by an 11-year-old, while others may object to being taught by a gymnast.  Me?  I think this is great!  If a gymnast can put the bar together I certainly can.

The final thing is to use your experience to guess at how long the assembly will take.  I know from experience that if I guess a job will take two hours, I’ll be lucky to be done in three, and most likely the job will take four. I see this bar as an all-day affair.

Obstacle 1

Experience is important, but at my age I refuse to assemble anything that takes longer than ninety minutes.  It then occurred to me that what I have to do is find a 10- or 11-year-old gymnast.

Obstacle 2

I don’t know any 10- or 11-year-old gymnasts.  In fact, I don’t know any gymnasts.

Obstacle 3

As many of you know, I’m a very busy man and always have more on my plate than I can handle or any team of superhuman men and women can handle.  I really don’t want to disappoint my granddaughter, daughter, or son-in-law, but I really don’t want to spend at least four hours, if lucky, to assemble this gym bar. In addition I’ve got friends to call, doctor appointments to confirm, tax estimates to … well … estimate, a trip to Shop Rite, Trader Joe’s, and Dunkin to handle, and I’m still only on my second cup of coffee. As I said, I’m a very busy man. Undependable people depend on me.

Necessity is the Grandfather of Assembly, or Something Like That

Faced with uncertainty over how to proceed, I fell into a deep depression lasting longer than ten seconds but less than fifteen.  I made a third cup of coffee while reviewing the day’s entries at Aqueduct in the electronic version of the Daily Racing Form.

And then it hit me.  My granddaughter’s a gymnast!  She’s been taking gymnastics lessons for two years now, and while she’s only 5+, I’ve got assembly instructions, videos, the appropriate assembly tools, and most important, experience.

Step 1: Clearing the Work Area

The first thing we had to do is clear the work area in the basement, which meant folding up and moving a large and heavy ping-pong table.  I explained to my granddaughter, whom I call RB, that while I was heading out to do some shopping, she should move the ping-pong table and vacuum the area where we were to work, and that if I got back after she was done, she should study the instruction manual.  So while I was out, RB followed my instructions to the letter.

As you can clearly see, the table is on movable legs so moving it across a carpeted floor is a breeze!  And by the time I got back, RB had not only dragged the 85-pound box containing the bar and its support to the basement, she expertly used a matte knife to cut open the top of the box.

I thought that I would have this gym bar assembled in no time! 

Step 2: The Heavy Work

But the hardest parts were yet to come, and the first of which was to remove the very heavy horizontal and vertical steel support bars from the box.  Just then I got an important phone call from one of my Life Coach clients who couldn’t make up his mind whether to report his income to the IRS and file 1040s for the past fifteen years.  So while I was working, RB took the heavy steel bars out of the box and inspected each piece just like the instructions and videos suggested.

When I was done with my client call, I determined I was ready for another cup of coffee, and RB was due for a break.  I suggested that RB leave the gym bar project for the time being and to play with her toys while I head upstairs to make some coffee and lunch for the two of us.  RB was a little bit disappointed but agreed anyway.

While I was upstairs I was distracted by some text messages, some NYT headlines, and I decided to take a long look at my 401K investments, and doing so made me think it was time for me to put in a call to my financial advisor, whose motto is “there’s no accounting for taste, and I’ve got no taste for accounting.”

Nearly ninety minutes and two cups of coffee passed before I headed back down to the basement with RB’s lunch, consisting of sliced carrots, tofu, snow peas, and sliced apple.  In fact I sort of expected RB to have taken a nap while I was upstairs on the captain’s bed in the basement while she awaited her lunch.

Step 3: Having to Get Down on My Hands and Knees.

Much to my surprise, RB was on the floor putting the bolts into position for me to tighten them up!

RB looked like she was really focused on what she was doing so I thought it better not to disturb her, so I left her lunch on the bottom step and quietly went back upstairs.

Step 4: Be Prepared for Distractions.

It had occurred to me earlier that morning that I had difficulty remembering the names of the many, many, many tracks on the eighty or so albums released by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard over the past 10 years, and this was just the time to memorize them, or at least begin to do so.

So I did.

But after three and one-half hours it occurred to me that I should check on how RB was doing in the basement.  Again I thought that RB might be taking a nap, but after I tripped over the lunch plate I had left for RB hours before, I couldn’t believe my eyes!  The gym bar was fully assembled!  And this what I saw.

After checking that all of the bolts I had planned to tighten were tightened – and they were – RB and I dragged over the gym mat that covers the area beneath the bar.  I thanked RB profusely and remarked how pleased her parents would be when they learned we had assembled the gym bar.

And they were.  And no matter how serious I was when I said that RB had assembled the gym bar and not me, all they could say was, “Sure, sure.”

But by then I was deep into the next day’s racing form and RB was having dinner.