From CONFESSIONS OF A SELF-CERTIFIED LIFE COACH.
Lesson 25: Complain, complain, complain. A letter to a Park Slope restaurant.

Last evening (Monday, February 4), my wife and I had dinner at YOUR RESTAURANT. We live in the neighborhood, and I can honestly say that I’ve never had a bad meal at your establishment, and last night was no different. We splurged on a porterhouse steak for two, my wife ordered a bottle of wine, and I had a Macallan scotch. It was a birthday dinner.

The food was great, as was the service. The billing, less so.

I ordered my Macallan on ice. I usually say “on ice” instead of “on the rocks,” because while I can write “on the rocks,” I can’t bring myself to say “on the rocks” any more than I can bring myself to refer to New York as “The Big Apple,” San Francisco as “Frisco,” or Philadelphia “Philly.”

But my choice of words is not what I want to bring to your attention. When we got our check, there was a $3.00 charge for … rocks. Yes, rocks. In addition to the $16.00 for my scotch.

Look. I’m 68, and I’ve been to my fair share of bars, restaurants, bistros and the like. I’ve never been charged $3.00 for “rocks.” Or ice, for that matter. I can’t even imagine any establishment setting up a line entry in a billing system for “rocks.” Or ice. But you did.

And since I presume the idea of charging $3.00 for rocks was the result of long conversations, some name-calling, and the creation of some bitter enemies at your august establishment, I did an online search for “restaurants that charge for ice” using my preferred Internet search engine, whose name I can’t reveal to you because I would then have to charge you. $3.00, that is. And while I found instances of restaurants doing so going back as far as 2008, I saw an equal number of instances citing what a poor business decision doing so is. I even saw some restaurants charging for NOT putting ice in drinks, another brilliant business strategy, but if anyone ever thought that business people, successful or otherwise, always make prudent decisions, let me remind you that bankruptcy courts are filled with such great thinkers. But from past experience I know if I searched for “restaurants that refuse to provide chairs for seating” or “restaurants that charge customers to dry their hands in rest rooms,” I’d find some of each. I didn’t use your rest room, so I’m going to presume that you don’t charge customers for that yet.

To tell you the truth, I did notice that the ice in my scotch was colder, tastier and somehow firmer than ice I’ve had in other drinks in the past, at home and elsewhere. It had exceptional mouth feel, and a sweetheart of a finish. I even know about the Mpemba effect, where under certain conditions, hot water freezes faster than cold, something that rarely affects my day-to-day life, but is a subject that I occasionally raise when I feel I’ve been wronged.

I thought my wife and I had top notch ice at home, but yours may be slightly better. I was at a loss for words until I recalled that your ice, while good, was not as good as the childhood ice my grandmother made for me in Riverhead, NY, located in far eastern Long Island, in the 1950s, but looking back at the childhood memory now, some 60 years later, I don’t ever recall my grandmother charging me for ice.

But you did.

When I brought the $3.00 charge to the attention of our server, she was slightly startled, but in a way that indicated to me – someone who’s taken courses in nonverbal communication – that the point I made was not the first time someone has brought this subject to her attention. I could say that “this was not her first rodeo,” but I simply can’t bring myself to say such an idiotic summary expression any more than I can say “on the rocks,” “The Big Apple,” “Frisco”, and “Philly.” And the server removed the charge from our bill, which still came out to $170 or so with tip. Bless her, but still.

While I can’t bring myself to say “on the rocks,” I can bring myself to say bullshit, as in “this is bullshit.”

Why can I say this? Because you just try and put up a sign at your bar that says “We proudly charge $3.00 for all drinks served on the rocks, or with ice,” and see what kind of reaction you get. Put the same notice on your drinks menu and see what happens. Have your service staff notify drinkers when they order drinks at YOUR RESTAURANT that they will be charged $3.00 for ice.

I would also say that you get the picture, but I can’t bring myself to do so. You guys run a top-notch restaurant. Your three-bucks-for-ice policy diminishes your place by lots more than three bucks. Lots more.

Mark Rosenblatt